THIRTY

I remember being young and I couldn’t wait until I turned 18 to buy all those shiny gadgets on the commercials. I wanted them…I NEEDED them…and when that magic day comes I’ll be able to get anything I wanted!

The next step was 21. I’ll be legal and officially a grown up!  Whoo! I can party and…um…do other things! My dreams were still just as bright and I had so much time to do it all. I was a grown up and nothing could stop me! Even 25 wasn’t that bad…well at least I’m not 30 right? Oh crap I’m 29…..wait why is time moving faster? I haven’t done anything I wanted to do…stop stop STOP!

I’ve been 30 for about 10 months now. I’m closer to 31 than I am to 29 and that gap is only going to get wider as time goes by. My dad always told me that there was something about 30 and I didn’t really believe him. Nothing could really change that much between a year right? Boy oh boy was I wrong.

I always took pride in the fact that I could stay up for days at a time with no repercussions. Hangovers were an urban legend that I was glad to not be a part of. I could eat anything I wanted and could just sleep off any of the discomfort from that. All of those things greeted me with a huge hug when I turned 30.

I guess it’s true that your body is always changing. There is a period where you notice all the weird things that your body does, but for me everything was pretty level throughout my 20’s. I lost 85lbs once but gained all of it back (plus some), but I could get it off again easy if I wanted to right? RIGHT?!?! My dad kept telling me to get back on the wagon before 30 and I being the genius that I am knew better. “I AM A TWENTY SOMETHING, I’VE LIVED A LONG LIFE AND I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS! AWAY WITH YOU!”

Twenty something me was kind of a dick.

My body hurts. I never knew what that meant but boy do I now. I finally went to the hospital for the first time a few months back because of chest pains and again because of head pain. I went so long without any problems and now I’m terrified if anything is broken inside of me. “Is that supposed to be twitching? Why does my leg feel that way, will I have to get it cut off?!” Every single new pain that I discover sends me straight into anxiousville. I’ve been a mess but I could at least turn to my old friend food for comfort right?

Nooooope.

Food was becoming a problem. I started to get really bad heart burn and it got to the point where it had me so broken. I spent this last Christmas in my room because of pain. It was the worst Christmas ever. My body was not happy with how I was treating it and it decided to let me know as only it knew how. I had to change something. I’m too young to be feeling like this! I mean I’m not like 20 young but I’m not 60 yet (Look for my blog entitled SIXTY coming soon), but this is getting out of hand. Something needs to change. I needed to change….and so I did.

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since I started back working out. Boy it has been a journey. Every week my body throws a new thing at me and I’m wondering if this is how life will be from now on, but each day I get up I’m thankful and willing to do all I can to at least try and do better. You see, this time I know what I’m doing. I’ve lost weight before and it really has been like riding a bike but this time I’m listening to my body more. If it says rest then I do so. I’m still still learning how to push myself further but I really don’t want to hurt myself, because it may take a long time to get back together, so I’m being really careful as well.

This year (as in from my birthday until now) has been one of the roughest for me. I’ve hated most of it and yet here I am writing this blog. A blog that I’ve often thought about but never checked back on. It’s been a YEAR since my last post and I can’t believe I’ve been away so long. As you see there are benefits for working out. The little things. You start to rediscover yourself in a way. Even though I’m not feeling 100% I’m at a good 50, when 7 weeks ago I was at 10…so progress!

2016 in itself has been a rough year. We’ve lost so many people this year. My great uncle passed last year and my great grandmother passed this year. We just lost Prince a few days ago and I cried while listening to his album “Purple Rain”. Life really is a gift and you never know if that conversation with someone, or that concert, will be the last you will see them. Cherish every moment. I’ve always said that but I think I finally understand it.

I turn 31 this year and my goal is to feel and be better each day from now on. Life doesn’t have a reset button and I can’t do over some of my mistakes. Each day before my run I remind myself that this is the last time I will be doing this losing weight thing. It’s much harder this time and I can’t imagine doing this again at 40 or 50! I’m teaching myself how to live an active life. I’m teaching myself how to eat for the long term. I’m not on a “diet”, I’m just watching what I eat and it’s been working for me so far. I haven’t weighed myself yet because the number on the scale doesn’t matter. It’s how I feel that is more important and that will continue to be my drive.

For all the pain that 30 has brought me I feel like I’m finally getting to know myself. When I was in the hospital I looked around and swore I would never be one of those people. I don’t want pills to help me through my day or not even be able to walk because my love for food is more important. I love myself too much to just fail and I refuse too. I’m thinking about my future now and I will do what I can to make it a bright one. It’s never too late to change your mind about the way you live your life, the first step is the hardest but around step 30 you’ll be glad you did it.

Advertisements

One thought on “THIRTY

  1. This is totally inspiring, Cleo!
    It is all a process and a journey, and I am so happy to see you on it with me and so many others… treating that bod like a temple, lightening your stress load, eating well, being reasonably active yet meditatively calm about daily life… Isn’t it crazy how hard it can be sometimes?! I am learning to truly revel in the daily (mental & physical) grind that takes me to an end result, realizing that (as cliche as it will sound) it really IS all about the crazy journey!!!
    I look forward to reading your future posts, dude. 🙂

    Come up to KY for a visit!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s