“Grab those for me fat boy….”

Someone called me fat today and it hit me much harder than I care to admit.

Ever since I was a teenager my weight has played a big part in how I see the world. I hated myself so much and I chose to cry and eat more instead of do something about it. This went on for years until I moved out to Arizona, I’ll never forget it.

I was living with some friends and my roommate gave me a 25 free day pass to Pure Fitness. It took me months but I finally utilized it and 3 years later I had lost 85 lbs. I went from 305 to 220 and I never felt better……physically at least. I started obsessing because I wasn’t small enough and no one seemed to be attracted to me, even after I lost the weight.

“What is wrong with? Maybe a few more pounds….just a few more!”

Even in success I felt like a failure and upon moving back to Mississippi I pretty much gained all the weight back in a year. Crazy how that happens huh? My moms cooking, mixed with depression for feeling like I failed because I moved back; plus the feeling of me not being good enough anyway, lead to my spiral back into the triple X’s.

I’ll never forget how it felt when I bought my first V-neck. It was one of my first purchases wearing a large. I’d always had an extra x in front of it so this was a big deal for me. I never felt more attractive. I also remember how it felt when I couldn’t fit that V-neck anymore. Time went on and all the clothes I’d bought to fit my smaller frame were no longer able to fit and I just continued to grow. I was in denial for a lot of it, but it’s crazy what sadness can do. I just ate the pain away, I was a failure at life so I might as well fail at everything else.

I never thought I’d get out of that funk until I fell for someone, way harder than I wanted to. That didn’t work out of course but being in love made me want to be better; to do better. During that time I remembered what it was like at my healthiest. I had confidence. Lot’s of it. I never noticed it at the time but looking back it’s so obvious. I walked taller, talked louder, and fought for what I believed it more often. I worked hard to get to where I was and I was darn proud of it. I had conquered those voices in my head and the more I worked at it, the quieter they became. So what happened?

I think I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. My health was important yes, but deep down I just wanted someone to be attracted to me. I’ve never known what that was like and the first time this girl eye raped me I felt violated yet thrilled. I always said and still believe that you have to love yourself first. I loved a lot of things about myself, but when I looked in the mirror I never saw anything I liked. There was always something and I’ve worked on stopping that. I’m my own worst critic but this is the only body I have, I need to start loving it regardless.

I also realized that there is no finish line. My goal, when I was 305, was to hit 210. I stalled at around 220 and I constantly beat myself up week after week if I didn’t lose a pound. I’d get pissed, feel like a failure, and binge eat out of frustration. I didn’t appreciate how far I’d gone and I was just focusing on the number. Always the number. I’m against scales now for that very reason, how you feel is more important than what a scale tells you.

“I have to start over again, why didn’t I stop this before it got so far?!?”

My brain is my biggest enemy at the moment. I just fear going through all that hard work just to fail again, so I keep putting it off.

Today at work a customer jokingly said, while ordering cigarettes from my co worker, “Oh don’t worry, fat boy will get it. Grab my cigarettes for me fat boy.”

I told him he was being rude and he smirked and said “Come and give me a hug Santa Clause.” I’ve been in a funk ever since. I’ll be alright though, it’s all a part of the journey. Either I do something about it or deal with it. The decision is mine and mine alone. I know what I have to do, but the hard part is actually doing it.

Advertisements

One thought on ““Grab those for me fat boy….”

  1. The first steps are always the hardest but if you have support and good friends you’ll get there. Even if you change your body, never change who you are because you’re so awesome! I’m rooting for you! -Kayla #TeamCleo

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s