I’ve pretty much mastered the art of being an optimist. The glass is always half full, things could be worse, and there’s always beauty even in the ugliest of places. Depression had it’s hold on me for years and being optimistic helped me to cope with that part of myself that thought I was never good enough. I think that using positive thoughts to get me out of my head helped but a very crucial thing wasn’t being developed within myself. I think of all the great things that I can/want to do, but I never actually go out of my way to do something about it. I go on and on about how ‘the future is bright’ and ‘this will be the year I make something happen’ but immediately revert back to eating my problems away when things don’t go my way.
Coming to terms with my own selfish nature was a big step in my development. My friend Chris once told me “You are just a speck in the grand scheme of things’ and that viewpoint, however bleak, really helped me not to feel so overwhelmed with sadness about my lack of progression (as I saw it at the time). I started to learn that having a positive outlook on life did improve some things and it does, but actually going out and making things happen has seemed to be a bit of a problem for me.
As I was reading through past blogs I noticed how much most of them dripped with optimism. I also noticed how stagnant I had become. People come to me for a good word now and then and I’m really good at making life sound awesome. I try to make it known that I am still working on it but I realized last night that I haven’t made much progress in the last few years. I tend to get wrapped in my thoughts more than I thought and now I’m at a stand still. At least for today….
This entry doesn’t have much focus, but I think that perfectly describes my life right now. I try to be a free spirit of sorts but I realized years ago that I work much better when I give myself guidelines. There’s nothing wrong with being abstract sometimes but there needs to be some order. I think some small part of me always associated that with “growing up” and…I guess I have to break it to myself….I am a grown up now! Instead of thinking about how awesome my life is going to be, I need to wake up and start making that life a reality.